Happy New Year’s Eve! Our wee blue planet has made another circuit of the heavens, or possibly the other way round should the current science on that have changed.
Traditionally, this is the day we reflect on the past year, look forward to the one ahead, and stay up way past bedtime to drink Ernest Hemingway-levels of alcohol.
You may have expected the customary year-in-review column, highlighting the ups and downs of 2023. I meant to do exactly that, but for very good reasons this is not that. Those very good reasons are that I could not remember much about 2023.
I assume various sports happened, also wars, and probably something about Taylor Swift and/or Elon’s musk. Oh, and my back hurt a lot. Sorry, what were we talking about?
Oh yes: Happy New Year’s Eve! The entire world now recognizes Jan. 1 as the start of the new year, a date set by reform-minded emperor Julius Caesar when he tinkered with the calendar, circa 46 B.C.
Named for Janus, the two-faced god whose spirit inhabited doorways, arches and Fox News executives, January had special significance for the Romans. They believed Janus symbolically looked backwards into the previous year and ahead into the future, and made sacrifices to him even though he was never going to be part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
Fast-forward two thousand years and every culture on earth has some kind of special celebration at the end of the old year. For example, in New York City, muggers and angry cab drivers have gathered since 1907 to watch Dick Clark watch a large crystal ball drop.
In much of Latin America, one endearing New Year’s tradition involves throwing a bucket of water out the window to signify cleansing and renewal. Another tradition involves American-directed violent military coups – but that hasn’t happened for at least, what, a decade?
The Colombians celebrate by walking around the block with empty suitcases in order to bring a year filled with travel, but hopefully not forced-march escape travel through the Darién Gap.
In Rio de Janeiro, people wear white on New Year’s Eve to attract peace for the coming year, and make it easier to tell who is actively involved in deforesting the Amazon basin. Another fun Brazilian tradition is to jump over seven waves – you get one wish fulfilled for each wave.
Most people use their first wish to ask for more waves and thus more wishes, which explains the problems we are having with coastal erosion and rapid sea-level rise.
The Irish believe if you put a sprig of mistletoe, holly or ivy under your pillow on New Year’s Eve, you will have a terrible sleep. Wait, sorry… checking my notes … I see they believe you will dream of your future love, which will be a pint of Guinness.
Irish families also have a tradition of banging loaves of Christmas bread against the walls and doors to ward off evil/British spirits, which is far safer than eating Irish Christmas bread.
People in Denmark smash old plates and glasses against the doors of family and friends to banish bad spirits, or in retribution for not returning borrowed garden tools. They also jump off chairs together at midnight to leap into a January full of twisted ankles and broken furniture.
In Greece, hanging an onion on your door on New Year’s Eve symbolizes rebirth heading into the new year. Parents tap the onion on their children’s foreheads to usher in prosperity for the 365 days ahead despite never once paying their taxes.
Obviously, people are crazy. I mean obviously, people are diverse and interesting. Whether it’s dressing in polka dots (Philippines), eating 12 grapes (Spain), wearing lucky coloured underwear (Bolivia, Brazil, Venezuela), or swinging giant fireballs on poles (Scotland), everybody has their own unique way to welcome the new year/forget about the disastrous old one.
Really the only practice we have in common today is to worry about the coming AI apocalypse. Also, to make a list of well-intentioned things we promise to do/not do in the next year.
What I mean is, today is a chance to reflect on your life, and consider where you would like to be in the next year so long as you keep things reasonable. For example, it is pointless to expect BC Ferries to be on time, or to have the staffing to sail at all.
New Year’s resolutions have officially been around for about 4,000 years, beginning with the ancient Babylonians. Babylon was a port city on the Euphrates River, famous for its babies and hair salons.
It was also famous for a 12-day-long festival called Akitu, when the Babylonians crowned a new king or reaffirmed their loyalty to the reigning king/baby/hairdresser.
They made solemn promises to their gods (also not in the Marvel Cinematic Universe) to pay their debts and return any objects they had borrowed, especially Danish gardening tools. These solemn promises are the forerunners of our New Year’s resolutions.
What you want to do is to embrace totally attainable goals that don’t focus so much on an overhaul of your current life, but rather make room for new habits that will make you feel great about yourself, even though we both know that’s totally not going to happen.
What will happen is next year, I resolve to provide helpful suggestions for your New Year’s resolutions. I promise.
