There’s a new big-screen television hanging in our newsroom, put there so that we can instantly track analytics, breaking news and social media chatter to provide the best service possible to our readers.
Don’t tell my boss, but I am about to hijack this television. It’s World Cup time!
Like the Olympic Games, the World Cup is one of those events where thrilling competitions are held at all hours of the day and it is socially acceptable to ignore your children, work obligations and personal hygiene to tune in live to see history played out in real time. At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself through 30-some years of watching the Olympics and World Cup, and I haven’t gotten fired/divorced/scabies yet, so I must be on to something.
This year’s World Cup tournament kicks off tomorrow in Russia and ends July 17 with the final at Moscow’s Luzhniki Stadium. Here’s what we should be watching for while neglecting all other aspects of life.
The Group of Death
During every World Cup one of the pools is anointed the Group of Death when three, or perhaps all four, of the teams are considered to be elite squads capable of making deep runs in the tournament.
It seems a little weird, however, to use that term in a place like current-day Russia. In Russia any Group of Death would need to include entries such as investigative journalists, political dissidents, and American democracy. And perhaps, just for variety, a photo of a shirtless Vladimir Putin. Deadly.
In reality there doesn’t appear to be a legit Group of Death in this year’s tournament. By ranking, Brazil, Switzerland, Costa Rica and Serbia is the toughest group, while the group with Germany, Mexico, Sweden and Korea would seem to have the most traditional pedigree. Neither is quite a Group of Death though. Perhaps we’ll have to suffice with a Group of Debilitating Lower Back Pain.
The two superstars    Â
World soccer right now is blessed with two transcendent talents in Argentina’s Lionel Messi and Portugal’s Cristiano Ronaldo, players who are vastly different in substance and style yet remarkably similar in their ability to destroy opponents. Both are in their 30s now so this will be their best remaining shots at winning the Cup while still in their primes.
Ronaldo is the chiselled warrior, skilled, fast, smirking and strong. When he speeds past defenders, blasts the ball home and then rips off his shirt, every woman within 100 yards becomes pregnant. Messi is the magician, escaping straightjackets to conjure goals from thin air with his exquisite foot skills, balance and precision. When he bounces off three tackles, dekes the goalkeeper and tucks the ball sweetly into an empty corner, every opposing player within 100 yards gets pregnant.
The next superstar
If you haven’t been following football closely since the last World Cup you may have missed the ascension of the next sublime talent. He plays for Egypt!
Mohamed Salah stepped into the global spotlight recently, scoring goals that can only be described as Messi-esque while guiding Egypt to their first World Cup in 28 years before taking Liverpool F.C. to the Champions League final. This is one of those gifted wizards who can step on a pitch alongside the best players in the world and make them look like drunken children.
Salah is banged up right now – Sergio Ramos gave him the old Sergio Special in the Champions League final, separating his shoulder – but here’s hoping Salah can get back to full strength for the team’s opener Friday. You need to see this guy play.    Â
The favourites
 There will be upstarts and upsets, but the World Cup is one trophy that only a handful of countries legitimately have a shot at winning. History says that the winner will come from Europe or South America. Brazil and Argentina will be big threats, but with a European host the odds tilt even more in favour of the Old World powers like Germany, France and Spain. I’d bet on Ze Germans.
If you’re looking for someone fun to cheer for, why not try Iceland? It’s their first time at the World Cup, and the country is so cute and tiny! Based on population, Iceland going for the World Cup would be like the North Shore teaming up with Langley to go for the World Cup. Fun!
Hope for Canada
No, we aren’t playing in this World Cup. But did you see 17-year-old Canadian Alphonso Davies score a goal and set up three more in a stunning performance for the Whitecaps on Saturday? So much strength, skill, smarts, speed: this guy could someday do something no Canadian man has ever done – score one World Cup goal. Wouldn’t that be great?!
And eight years from now, when Davies is a seasoned 25-year-old, Canada will co-host the tournament with U.S.A. and Mexico in a year in which the field will expand from 32 teams to 48 teams. We can’t miss, right?! Right?!?!
Alright, enough talk. Click on the office TV. We’ve got work to do.
Andy Prest is the sports editor for the North Shore News and writes a biweekly humour/lifestyle column. He can be reached via email at [email protected].
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