Break open the artisanal quinoa. Grocery giant 鈥� and best place to pick up single dads in touch with their sensitive sides (or so we鈥檝e been told) 鈥� Whole Foods has released its . Sadly, the triumphant return of sports beverage isn鈥檛 one of them.
Because we鈥檙e still a little bitter about the Super Socco thing, we didn鈥檛 bother to read the self-serving list. But we have our finger on the pulse and are pretty sure we know what鈥檚 around the corner when it comes to what we鈥檙e going to organically stuff in our pie hole. Here鈥檚 what you can expect to see on the shelves of Whole Foods next year. 听
Cloth
Dairy-free, gluten-free, paleo and extremely filling, cloth is nature鈥檚 best kept secret that isn鈥檛 technically created naturally. And, although Whole Foods can鈥檛 guarantee its line of edible cloth isn鈥檛 made by exploited children in a sweat factory, your 10-cent donation to an anonymous charity for bringing your own shopping bag should alleviate any guilt you might feel.
Breast milk from a strong, independent woman hiking Spain鈥檚 El Camino de Santiago Trail after going through a rough breakup
As anyone on the paleo diet will tell you, mother鈥檚 milk is the only dairy product permitted to fuel one鈥檚 Crossfit-sculpted body. But the quality of that milk is often inconsistent at best. What if that breast milk came from someone filled with shame from feasting on McDonald鈥檚 Happy Meals? Or your human milk source can鈥檛 even do a proper split jerk or handstand pushup? No, you want breast milk from a fierce warrior goddess who鈥檚 getting rid of all the crap in her life and on the brink of discovering her inner rhythm huntress one moonlit step at a time. Word to the wise, an ounce of this liquid gold will cost a pretty penny, but your deadlifts will be off the hook.听听听听
Fadge
Fudge made from radishes. Sure it tastes like a vegan鈥檚 entrails but it鈥檚 gluten-free as f***.
Badger
It鈥檚 the new horse meat. Lean, mean and full of little tiny hairs to help the digestion process. Whole Foods鈥� line of badger is also grass-fed and free range. So rest easy.
A cross between cocoa and cacao with an equally questionable pronunciation
We still don鈥檛 know if we鈥檙e pronouncing cacao properly or how exactly it鈥檚 different from cocoa, but the next evolution in cocoa/cacao is so cutting edge it doesn鈥檛 even have a confusing name yet.
Meat smoothies
Venison never tasted so refreshing. Plus who needs all that unbroken down red meat lingering in your colon.
Pond water
In your face coconut water and nut milks. Algae-rich pond water is a nutrient-filled petri dish of goodness. Need further proof? Have you ever seen a skinny frog?听
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