Private exploratory phone calls continue among the leaders of B.C.鈥檚 three major parties, pending the final election results, to decide on the control of the legislature.
Those sneaky Russians, always trying to subvert western democracies, are monitoring the calls. One of them leaked this transcript to me:
鈥淗i, Andy. It鈥檚 John here.鈥�
鈥淚t鈥檚 Dr. Andrew Weaver. John who?鈥�
鈥淛ohn Horgan. I just wanted to say hi.鈥�
鈥淗ello, John.鈥�
鈥淗i. Sorry I called you Andy. We have so much in common. I feel like we鈥檙e buds.鈥�
鈥淲e鈥檙e not 鈥榖uds,鈥� John. Are you going to get mad at me again?鈥�
鈥淣o! Not ever! I鈥檓 sorry I got mad at you that time.鈥�
鈥淲hich time?鈥�
鈥淎ll those times. Were you working out during the campaign? You looked great in the last week.鈥�
鈥淭hank you.鈥�
鈥淵ou had a great-looking bus, too. Was that a turbocharged diesel? It looked way faster than my bus.鈥�
鈥淚t was bio-diesel, John. We should all be using that.鈥�
鈥淲ow, that鈥檚 weird! I was just going to say the exact same thing. We should totally all be using bio-diesel. We sure think alike. Remember how hard we fought to get big money out of politics? That was so cool. I enjoyed working with you on that.鈥�
鈥淏ut we didn鈥檛 work together. And you took big money all the way through.鈥�
鈥淲ell, we took some medium money. It鈥檚 the Liberals who took big money. Hey, did you know Langford and Oak Bay have almost identical tax rates per $1,000 of assessed value?鈥�
鈥淪o what?鈥�
鈥淚t鈥檚 just neat how our people have so much in common, like we do, that鈥檚 all.鈥�
鈥淚 guess.鈥�
鈥淚鈥檓 sorry I stepped on your victory speech airtime. If I鈥檇 known you鈥檇 started, I would have waited.鈥�
鈥淲丑补迟别惫别谤.鈥�
鈥淚t was sure a great speech. Especially that part about every Green decision will follow a principled, evidence-based approach. That sciencey stuff sure goes over well.鈥�
鈥淚t鈥檚 not just 鈥榮ciencey stuff.鈥� It鈥檚 what we believe.鈥�
鈥淢e, too! Evidence-based. I get that. Told you we have lots in common. Do you have any evidence of what Clark is going to do?鈥�
鈥淵es. She鈥檚 going to call me. Just like you did.鈥�
鈥淲ill you talk to her? Will you talk longer than you talked to me, or about the same? 鈥�
鈥淢ore likely I鈥檒l just listen. John, I鈥檒l get back to you. I have to take this call.鈥�
Click.
鈥淗ello, Dr. Weaver?鈥�
鈥淗ello, Christy.鈥�
鈥淒id you like my line on Wednesday? I said you were a smart, thoughtful, reasonable guy. And did you notice I mentioned the environment?鈥�
鈥淰ery kind of you.鈥�
鈥淚 was checking my to-do list on creating a prosperous British Columbia where we can all take care of the people we love and the environment too with hardly any taxes, and I realized something. I forgot to nominate you for the Order of B.C.鈥�
鈥淚 already have the Order of B.C.鈥�
鈥淥h. Do you want another one?鈥�
鈥淣辞.鈥�
鈥淲hat about a Good Citizenship Medal?鈥�
鈥淚 have nothing but contempt for the Good Citizenship Medal. Don鈥檛 you remember me calling it a bizarre act of desperation when you invented it?鈥�
鈥淚 must have been away that day. You know what I think is bizarre? The archaic first-past-the-post-electoral system, that鈥檚 what. And not letting 16-year-olds vote. And holding elections in May, when they should be in October.鈥�
鈥淐hristy, you鈥檙e reading from my platform.鈥�
鈥淥h 鈥� Look, cards on the table 鈥� what can I do to get you onside?鈥�
鈥淒itch Site C, forget LNG, kill the pipeline and triple the carbon tax.鈥�
鈥淚鈥檒l get back to you.鈥�
Click.
