As 2011 sails into memory, I tap my crystal ball for a glimpse at 2012.
Jan. 14: Occupy 麻豆传媒映画protesters re-occupy the grounds outside the 麻豆传媒映画Art Gallery, erecting tents and wooden huts. Mayor Gregor Robertson, while weekending on Cortes Island, responds on Twitter: "I'll work with OV to ensure a safe and sanitary protest."
Feb. 2: During a press conference at Lord Strathcona elementary, Patti Bacchus, chair of the 麻豆传媒映画School Board, bans the term "Groundhog Day" in 麻豆传媒映画public schools. Citing a recent report ("February Two: Just another day") from the district's Diversity Team, a handful of district bureaucrats, Bacchus notes "the Euro-centric origins of Groundhog Day" and its relation to the "Celtic calendar, which ignores the diversity of our classrooms." Reporters follow Bacchus to the Lord Strathcona lobby where she replaces a plasticine model of Punxsutawney Phil, a famous groundhog from Pennsylvania, with a six-foot statue of "Stacy," a cartoonish dog-like gender-neutral animal of no particular species.
March 10: Art gallery officials, silent for the first eight weeks of Occupy Vancouver's latest incursion on gallery grounds, speak up during an interview with the CBC. "We have an Emily Carr exhibition starting tomorrow," says gallery director Kathleen Bartels. "We support the right to protest but the smell of human waste has become overwhelming-people are staying away and we need the revenue."
March 12: Biology students from Simon Fraser University collect soil samples from the art gallery grounds. One student is injured in a scuffle with protesters.
March 18: SFU students release test results of art gallery soil, which contains high levels of human waste. Mayor Gregor Robertson, while weekending on Saltspring Island, responds on Twitter: "I'll work with OV to ensure a safe/sanitary protest."
June 4: Apparently while celebrating the 23rd anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre, two Chinese diplomats drive a limousine on to the sidewalk outside the Chinese consulate on Granville Street, barely missing fleeing Falun Gong protesters. According to police reports, when officers arrive at the scene, the diplomats are lying on the limo's hood drinking Tsingtao and singing March of the Volunteers. They deny they were drinking, driving, singing or that Falun Gong practitioners are tortured in China.
June 10: The Boston Bruins beat the 麻豆传媒映画Canucks 6-2 at Rogers Arena to win the Stanley Cup in six games. Canuck goalie Roberto Luongo, who replaced an injured Cory Schneider during the third period of Game 5, allows six goals on 17 shots. After the game, fans riot downtown, smashing storefronts and burning several jerry-curled Luongos in effigy.
July 9: During a record heat wave, three Occupy 麻豆传媒映画protesters are hospitalized with typhoid fever, which medical officials blame on fecal coliform contamination. Dr. David Ostrow, president of 麻豆传媒映画Coastal Health, declares the art gallery grounds a "public health disaster zone," noting potential outbreaks of hepatitis A and E. coli infection, and additional risks from stray dogs attracted by the "site's overwhelming odor."
Oct. 13: Four-year-old Kavna, one of three remaining beluga whales at the 麻豆传媒映画Aquarium in Stanley Park, dies. During a press conference outside the otter tank, aquarium officials blame the death on a "short battle with leukemia." Kavna's the fourth beluga to die at the aquarium since 2005. Following the press conference, a white cube van is seen leaving the aquarium's rear parking lot.
Oct. 14: Several Courier editorial staff members lunch at Mobi Ho, a Shandong-Cajun restaurant in Gastown. The buffet table features stacks of two-inch white fish fillets, labelled "sea bass." Following his meal, Courier entertainment editor Michael Kissinger, a restaurant scene insider and chairman of "Ocean Wiseguys," voices his approval. "That's the best 'sea bass' I've ever had," says Kissinger, flashing quote signs with both hands. "I like my fish cooked 'rare' and 'exotic.'"
Dec. 12: An estimated 60,000 people march downtown calling for an end to the Occupy 麻豆传媒映画protest outside the 麻豆传媒映画Art Gallery. The movement, known as Sink the Stink, gained momentum after the annual Santa Claus parade on Georgia Street was cancelled due to the overwhelming odour permeating the downtown core. Via Twitter, Mayor Robertson promises "to work with Sinkthestink to ensure a safe/sanitary protest." [email protected]
Twitter: @MarkHasiuk
