I was perusing (I peruse more often than you might think) some of the federal governments new crime legislation this week.
The government is hauling a nine-part anti-crime bill into the House of Commons this fall, covering young offenders, house arrest, sex crimes, pardons, victim rights, terrorism, and human trafficking.
Youd think this would cover everything. I mean, previous governments have already ruled things like arson, murder, and dwarf tossing illegal.
But no, the government is already saying that there is more to come. More crimes will be crushed, more crooks punished!
Well, I certainly hope theyll be expanding the scope of the justice system to a few of my pet peeves. If you agree with me, cut out this column and mail it to your MP, as encouragement to add these items to the next crime bill!
Eating grapes in the supermarket
Oh, the horror. These scofflaws steal grapes one by one, twisting each spheroid off its assigned stem, and concealing the evidence in their mouth. Their accomplices, the tongue and teeth, then dispose of the evidence, hiding it in the alimentary canal.
This theft likely costs grocery stores everywhere in the tens, maybe the dozens of dollars every year!
Recommended sentence: perpetrator is placed in the depths of Tartarus, with delicious grapes hanging just out of reach. Also, $50 grape replacement fine.
Seagull impersonation
Everyone loves seagulls, right? Their mellifluous calls, their beautiful plumage, their dainty eating habits and shy demeanor.
Unfortunately, this has led to many people impersonating gulls in recent years. If you see a row of three gulls sitting on a rooftop, its likely at least one of them is actually a human, squeezed into a tiny feather suit and wearing a wooden beak. Its embarrassing for the gulls and the humans.
Recommended sentence: up to 50 lashes with a feather duster.
Car replacement
This one is personal for me, because its happened to me at least five times in the last year. Car thieves have become so cunning that when they take a car, they leave a perfect replica behind to fool the owner. Although made of papier maché, white glue, and spun sugar, the replacements are quite convincing, and will actually run. Its only when the car melts in the rain that you find out youve become a victim.
Recommended sentence: while the thieves sleep, take all the furniture in their homes, replace it with origami paper replicas.
Bear tickling
The latest hipster fad, sure to be denounced by PETA, is to head into the woods or suburbs, find a bear, and tickle it unmercifully. This evil pastime allows the perpetrator to enjoy the laughter of bears, one of the sweetest sounds known to man (after the cries of seagulls). Worse, as we all know, bears have no means of defending themselves against humans since the Foam Rubber Claws and Teeth bill of 2003 came into effect.
Recommended sentence: perp is tossed naked into a giant burlap sack filled with feathers, then shaken by a giant paint mixer. Each violation means 20 minutes in the Tickletronic 9000.
Dadaist or surrealist humour
Too many writers these days employ twisted logic, self-referential meta-narratives, and just plain weird crap when trying to make people laugh. It tends to be caused by looming deadlines, but that is no excuse. It must stop now!
Recommended sentence: death.
Making up words
Shakespeare is credited with creating numerous new words, while working late into the night in his laboratory, hunched over a beaker filled with chemicals. But Shakespeare was an accredited wordsmith (or WordeSmithe, as he spelled it) and he had permission from the Crown to fiddle with English. Modern word creators have no such right, and must be stopped. Who, after all, does not cringe when clumsy, obviously fake words such as munificent, hecatomb, or remunerate are thrown about? Recommended sentence: The offender will be disemvoweled, publicly strppd f vwls.
Visit Matthew Claxtons blog, Evolving Langley, at http://tiny.cc/A0D3W
at www.langleyadvance.com
