On Canada Day weekend, Courier operatives entered city hall and planted a hidden camera in the mayors office, collecting hours of video footage. The following conversation between Mayor Gregor Robertson, Mike Magee, Robertsons chief of staff, and city councillor Andrea Reimer took place Thursday morning, Sept. 1.
Mayor Robertson, wearing a tan suit, blue tie and purple bicycle helmet, sits behind his large oak desk. Hes writing on a piece of a paper. Magee, bald and goateed, stands near a large window overlooking the Â鶹´«Ã½Ó³»skyline while Reimer, wearing a plaid skirt, white blouse and ponytail, sits cross-legged on a bright yellow beanbag chair.
Whatcha writing?
Andrea, last night I watched a movie about Richard Nixon starring Hannibal Lecter. Very informative. Nixon was amazinghe had an enemies list and everything. Anyway, I thought Id make my own list, you know, to help us win the election in November.
Magee approaches Robertsons desk, gently picks up the list and reads it out loud.
Suzanne Anton. Big trucks. The Chicago Blackhawks. That one city clerk who was mean to me when I asked for a Slurpee during that really long council meeting. Woodward and Bernstein.
Magee and Reimer exchange glances. Magee folds the paper and puts it in his pants pocket.
OK, G-man, summers over and were in full campaign mode. Today well work on technique. At some point during the campaign, you may be forced to answer questions. Your answers must be quick and concise. Now, Ill mention an issue and you say they first word that pops into your head. Bike lanes.
Puddles.
Affordable housing.
Keggers.
Chinatown.
Ducks.
Magee sighs. Reimer writes on her notepad. Robertson loosens his tie and exhales. Suddenly, his desk intercom beeps and crackles. A nasal-voiced receptionist speaks.
Morning, G-man. Theres a bike courier here with an advanced copy of the riot report.
Magee bolts out the door. He returns in seconds with a large white envelope and sits next to Reimer on the big yellow beanbag. As Robertson watches, Magee and Reimer peruse the report. Magee mutters expletives while Riemer takes notes.
Hows it look, Mike?
In a minute, G-man. Why dont you go on YouTube or something.
Robertson pulls a juice box from his desk drawer and turns towards his laptop. Magee flips through a few more pages before quickly standing up.
This is horsesh**t! Its like Game 7 all over again! The live sites were too small, we ignored the cops, we refused to add more security guards, the mayors eating f**cking popcorn inside Rogers Arena while the city burns!
Robertson shifts in his chair. Magee approaches his desk.
You want an enemies list? It starts with the police chief and ends with us firing him! All he had to do was get charges on 10 of the largest a**holes while gathering evidence on everyone else. A little red meat, you know? But no, hes got to drag it out. Its almost training camp and we still havent charged anyone! Ive almost forgot what the f**k happened!
Reimer nods in agreement. Robertson rises from behind his desk, revealing his neon green bike shorts, and opens his arms wide.
Take it easy, Mike. Chill out. Well get through this. Nixon says it's not a scandal unless it makes the front page of the New York Times.
Magee turns towards Reimer.
We need a body. Someones got to pay or well wear this riot for the next three months. Get on it.
Reimer hops from the beanbag chair and hurries out the door. Magee walks back to the window and stares at the skyline, speaking softly now. We need a body. We need a body.
Robertson sits down at his desk and returns to his laptop.
Dont worry, Mike, Im on the case. Ill research the riot and find some loopholes in the report. Well blow this case wide open. Theres always one clue everyone overlooks. Dont worry about nothing. Im going to eat their livers with fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.
Twitter: @MarkHasiuk
