When magi visited the Christ child, they didnt have this in mind. Christmas gifts, once symbols of praise, now represent corruptionmindless consumerism in a material age. Nevertheless, Ive compiled a gift list for Vancouvers naughty and not-so-nice. Merry Christmas.
A job: to Occupy Â鶹´«Ã½Ó³»protesters who squatted for weeks outside the Â鶹´«Ã½Ó³»Art Gallery before blocking truck access last week to the Port of Vancouver, angering longshoremen who, you know, work for a living. Get a job, any job, to occupy your time. Unfortunately, most hardcore Occupy Vancouverites prefer the easy life. Its their Achilles heel. And so, if faced with a future Occupy squatters camp, city officials should erect an employment centre among the tents and tarps, then sit back and watch em scatter. Jobs are like kryptonite to Occupy protesters.
A soother: for Ryan Kesler, the Canucks six-packed stud who overacts to every slash, every hit, doubling over like hes been shot. Its part of whats wrong with the game. Two weeks ago, following a clean hit from Ottawa Senator forward Nick Foligno, Kesler pouted during a post-game interview, claiming Foligno deliberately targeted my head. Boo hoo. Youre 6-foot-two, 200 pounds, making $5 million a year. Shut up and play hockey. But if you want something to complain about, how about your no goals and one assist during last springs Stanley Cup final.
A job description: for Constance Barnes, newly crowned chair of the park board, already flush with power after only three weeks on the job. During her first park board meeting as chair, Barnes called for the creation of 500 new childcare spaces in Vancouver. Meanwhile, grass grows wild in city parks, the Mount Pleasant pool disappears and wrecking balls loom over the Riley Park rink. If Barnes wants to expand the local childcare system, she should quit the park board and run for the provincial legislature.
A pink slip: for all seven commissioners at the Â鶹´«Ã½Ó³»Park Board and a demolition permit for the park board building on Beach Avenue. Most cities in Canada dont have a park board, for good reason. It remains an unnecessary layer of bureaucracy blowing taxpayer cash to justify its existence. For example, Beaver Lake, a glorified pond in Stanley Park. In July the board approved $500,000 for a Beaver Lake restoration plan, which will eventually cost millions. Barnes calls for childcare spaces. Thats great! Whos going to pay for it?
Soap and water: to football fans at B.C. Place. Been to a Lions game lately? Its like the Star Wars bar in denim. I know, I know. Due to the outrageous cost of Canuck games, the Lions are the live sporting event of choice for (what Nietzsche called) the bungled and the botched. But seriously folks, before busing in from Surrey, jump in the shower. Then, when raising your arms in celebration while spilling flat draft on your stretched and straining Lulay jersey, nearby fans wont recoil in disgust. As much.
A calculator: For Patti Bacchus, chair of the Vision-dominated school board, who last week helped earmark $100,000 for a budget review by PricewaterhouseCoopers. In other words, to help cut costs, the school board will spend $100,000 in a district $14 million in the red. And heres the kicker. Results of the review arent binding and may be ignored by Bacchus and friends. That sound you hear is hundreds of Â鶹´«Ã½Ó³»parents stampeding to the nearest private school.
A medium rare porterhouse caked in demi-glace: to the five PETA members in white and black cow costumes who picketed before a crowd of one or two onlookers outside the Â鶹´«Ã½Ó³»Convention Centre, home to this months B.C. dairy industry conference. Hayden Hamilton, local spokesperson for the animal rights group, spoke to the Georgia Straight, the paper of record for non-events. Our herd of cows is here sticking up for cows on dairy farms who dont have a chance to speak up for themselves. Thats true. Cows cant talk. Yet PETA spokespeople can. What bitter irony.
Twitter: @MarkHasiuk
