The development of spatial awareness is a hot topic in my house these days. Ive been trying to imprint upon my children the importance of recognizing their immediate surroundings in relation to their activities so as to improve their chances of still being alive come adolescence. Crossing the street? Look both ways. Waving a lightsaber around like a Sith Lords apprentice? Check behind you. Dropping in at the skatepark? Make sure that no one else is first.
Progress has been slow, but I daresay theyre doing a better job than the staff at Maxs Burgers. They werent bumping into tables, dropping trays of their booze-infused milkshakes, or anything of that typical kind. I thought their service was pretty spot on for a burger joint. The problem is their soundtrack.
The new restaurant on West 8th off Cambie (across from Whole Foods) has plenty going for it. Ive been a few times since their January opening, and tasted my way through much of its menu. Its nine burger options are big, well thought out and capably put together.
Im partial to the British Columbian and the Five Alarm Funk; the former is blessed with applewood smoked bacon, cheddar, and bacon marmalade, and the latter is spread with delicious apricot and habanero jam and mounted with enough blue cheese to quell the fire. The brioche buns are nice and soft, and the accompanying fries (whether yam or potato) are big on taste.
But the music... Restaurants are generally careful about the hip hop genre. I expose my kids to plenty of it at home, but I appreciate the chasm of difference between, say, De La Soul and Too Short. One is appropriate for all audiences, and the other...not so much. Its a subtlety that is completely lost on the staff at Maxs Burgers. Lets take Eminems Bagpipes From Baghdad as an example, as it was playing when our food was delivered to our table...
Insert inappropriate, expletive-laden song lyrics here.
Such a stanza would have been an especially tricky to explain to curious six- and 10- year-old audiophiles had they not been so immersed in the arrival of their cute little trios of chicken and beef sliders. Lucky for me, they failed to hear. Moments later, however...
Insert inappropriate, expletive-laden song lyrics here.
This time, with his brow furrowed, the eldest of my boys asked, Whats up with this song, Dad? I pretended not to hear and asked a question of my own: Hey, do you guys know what beef tallow is? They shook their heads.
Insert inappropriate, expletive-laden song lyrics here.
Its rendered fat from cows, I quickly explained, and the fries that you guys are chomping on are actually cooked in it. Their faces registered an eww factor of 10. That might sound gross, but dont they taste great? I popped a few in my mouth for emphasis. They nodded tentative agreement, staring at their fries with suspicion.
Insert inappropriate, expletive-laden song lyrics here.
Um... I wavered. Their ears had pricked up again. ...when I was a kid, McDonalds used to fry their fries in beef tallow, I ad-libbed (it was true). They stopped doing that over 20 years ago, and theyve really never been the same since. Dad was boring. Crisis averted.
The table next to us with the three children under 10 were having similar trouble. I overheard one of them ask, Mommy, why is the song swearing? She didnt know. How could she? Except for the many flat screen televisions showing silent sports highlights, Maxs Burgers certainly had the look of a kid-friendly, easygoing diner of the Rockwellian kind. Families were ensconced in booths, maraschino cherries abounded, and the food tugged more convincingly than White Spot, and yet...
Defeated, I waved down our server.
I think were going to get the rest of our food packed up to go.
She looked at us, worried. We were not even halfway through our food. Is everything OK? she asked. It was bewildering. Were we not in the same room? How was it possible that she could so completely tune out the inappropriateness of the soundtrack?
Ill-considered soundtracks arent an uncommon thing, but this was the first time Id ever had to bolt from a meal on account of one. And shockingly, this is not the first time that Maxs Burgers has been given grief about it.
Just a couple of months ago, one of my colleagues a critic at another paper wrote of how the staff had cranked the music to a deafening, conversation-stunting pitch. She didnt mention the inappropriateness of the lyrics, but thats beside the greater point.
As diners, we put ourselves in what we expect to be the capable, careful charge of people whove been trained in spatial awareness. Good crews are schooled in making customers feel at home and anticipating their needs, whether they be the expeditious delivery of food or the replacement of cutlery between courses.
All of that was done, but all of that was made moot because theyd also been tasked with the responsibility of an iPod.
