Last week millions of people tuned in to watch The Bachelor finale when Ben Flajnik chose his forever out of the final two contestants. I joined in the madness and watched attentively as he was contemplating the biggest decision of his life. After weeks of courting more than one woman at a time, Ben finally narrowed down his options to the southern belle Lindzi Cox and the temptress Courtney Robertson. Viewers watched the battle play out for weeks, as Robertson would berate the women with comments that people would say oh not so nice. Many hoped that in the final moments Flajnick would choose good over evil but in the spirit of good television, he chose Robertson (GASP!). Cue the AFTER SHOW where after many unsure responses by Flajnik and Robertson on the status of their relationship, assured audiences that they would continue their engagement.
Robertson claimed that after the show aired Flajnik was not returning her calls after attempts to reach out to him because of her less than lady like behavior on the show. Robertson and Flajnik both claim that the negative press stemming from her behavior on the show has led their relationship to a less than happy outcome. The couple sobbed on stage as Flajnik said, Its hard because ... in that moment were so happy and then everything plays out the way it did ... There was never anything wrong with us, it was wrong with everything that surrounded us. That beautiful moment has just been soiled by all of this. Robertson on the other hand revealed that they had broken up near Valentines Day and said, I felt abandoned He didnt send flowers, a card or anything. It was awful. Both Robertson and Flajnik took us on a journey of ups and downs leaving audiences confused and wondering-are they going to make it? If so, how?
Flajnik and Robertsons predicament was interesting and it raises these questions: when the issues from a relationship become so entrenched, can you realistically make it? Or should you call it quits when it becomes that difficult? This was certainly on Flajniks mind when information regarding his fiancé began to surface.
One of the most popular misconceptions is that conflict is bad. Conflict can actually be good for your relationship if you are able to be emotionally responsive in reassuring your partner toward feelings of safety. This will strengthen your relationship and bond between you and your partner. It shows that your partner will be there through stormy times and that you are able to emotionally comfort each other and work through the storm. It is often when couples are unable to handle conflict effectively that it becomes a problem.
When we look at what Flajnik was saying, he was actually attempting to convey a sense of loss. The innocence of their romance and love was stolen by revelations brought forth after the airing of the show and the negative responses from the press. Essentially, Flajnik was grieving the loss of his perception of purity regarding their experience together. On the other hand, Robertson was trying to convey that she no longer feels emotionally safe with Flajnik. She was asking the three essential questions of attachment: 1. Are you emotionally and physically available to me when I need you? 2. Are you responsive to my needs? 3. Are you engaged or committed to our relationship and me?
When these three basic principles of attachment are activated, we are likely to push our partner to answer these questions through what is called protest behaviours. These include frequent phoning, pushing their buttons and engaging in extreme behavior to reach out for a response. We see attempts of this when Robertson described reaching out to Flajnik on Valentines Day. However, when our partner does not respond it leaves us feeling vulnerable and feeling shattered. As a form of emotional protection, we may begin to shut down and distance ourselves from the relationship or connection.
So can Flajnik and Robertson make it? Well, both have made the first step towards commitment and thats a reason to be hopeful. I wish Flajnik and Robertson all the best and leave the following:
Love is not enough. It takes commitment, responsiveness, compassion and the willingness to love which makes the relationship last a lifetime
Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
