In the movies, lovers get swept up in the heat of passion, their minds on nothing else but the here and now.
That might not be representative of everyone鈥檚 sexual experiences but the movies are onto something.
UBC psychologist and sex researcher Lori Brotto has just published her first book. Better Sex Through Mindfulness outlines how being in the moment will heighten women鈥檚 sexual satisfaction.
鈥淢indfulness is a way of paying attention on purpose, moment by moment, and doing so in a non-judgmental or compassionate way,鈥� she says in a UBC Q and A.
But there are a lot of things that get in the way of being able to say, 鈥淚 was fully alive鈥� or 鈥淚 was totally in tune with my partner.鈥�
Being non-judgmental is one of them. Negative thoughts crowd into the ones that are supposed to be about pleasure. As well, instead of concentrating on their experience, women can be preoccupied with other things. That鈥檚 why women鈥檚 ability to multi-task is actually a disservice in the bedroom, Brotto says.
鈥淭he clients we see with sexual concerns will often state that they are chronic multi-taskers and, in fact, take a lot of pride in defining themselves that way. But multi-tasking often extends to sexual activity,鈥� she says. 鈥淒uring those moments, our client鈥檚 minds is elsewhere. Sometimes it goes to benign places like, 鈥榃hat do I have to do to prepare for that meeting tomorrow?鈥� but it also goes to those judgmental places like: 鈥榃ill my partner notice those parts of my body that I鈥檓 not happy with? Will I not respond in a way that is going to be satisfactory? Will my partner leave me if this encounter doesn鈥檛 go well?鈥欌��
The practice of mindfulness will help, including learning how to decatastrophize.
鈥淢indfulness is more than just concentration training,鈥� Brotto says. 鈥淚t鈥檚 fundamentally about how we pay attention and how we concentrate. The compassion and non-self-judgment aspects mean that we鈥檙e not berating ourselves for doing it wrong, but rather we鈥檙e expressing a lot of kindness and compassion towards ourselves for whatever we observe when we pay attention.鈥�
Brotto wrote the book for two reasons: one is that she knows mindfulness works; the other is the level of interest she generated after being featured in a New York Times magazine article headlined in 2009. A lot of publishers approached her about writing a book then but she felt there wasn鈥檛 enough data to conclude definitively that mindfulness is a useful strategy. In 2018, she says, the evidence is strong. Her lab鈥檚 research, and others鈥�, show that mindfulness is 鈥渁 skill that will help women tune in, experience greater desire, greater satisfaction and reduce their depressive symptoms and anxiety. It tackles the physiological effects of stress, and improves relations and satisfaction.鈥�
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is published by Greystone Books. It came out April 21.
