As a teen in 麻豆传媒映画in the 1990s, writer Amber Scorah says she would steal moments away to get her hands on classic novels at local bookstores. While the bestsellers were off-limits to the girl 鈥� they were considered 鈥渨orldly鈥� 鈥� she figured no one in her community would bat an eye at her taking a break from her regular required reading to dive into the worlds of D.H. Lawrence, Charles Dickens, or other canonical novelists.
It鈥檚 no wonder, perhaps, that at eight years old, Scorah鈥檚 life ambitions were logged in a recently-unearthed family keepsake book as that of wanting to be an artist and a writer.
But in later years, that same memory book shows an evolving ambition for Scorah: she wanted to be a pioneer. Not a pioneer like Laura Ingalls Wilder in a covered wagon 鈥� a 鈥減ioneer鈥� is Jehovah鈥檚 Witness parlance for a full-time missionary and preacher.
Scorah was a third-generation Witness, and believed that when the armageddon came as promised, she and all her fellow believers would be saved, and restored to paradise to live forever.
Her real regular reading, outside of the curriculum at her 麻豆传媒映画public schools, was the seemingly endless volumes of sanctioned literature published by the JWs 鈥� think the Watchtower magazines Vancouverites still can find on offer from current-day pioneers standing outside of SkyTrain stations, for example. Scorah鈥檚 childhood was portioned into a steady diet of attending almost daily worship meetings, then going out door-to-door in the hopes of spreading the good word 鈥� not to mention getting a lot of doors slammed in her face.
There are a few other key Witness terms that have shaped Scorah鈥檚 identity; these are words that carry hefty social and psychological burdens, like 鈥渄isfellowshipped,鈥� 鈥渟hunned鈥� and 鈥渁postate.鈥�
Growing up JW
As a teen, a budding romance with another congregant led to some 鈥渦nrepentant sin,鈥� between Scorah and the young man 鈥� they had sex 鈥� and they confessed to their elders. This led to them being 鈥渒icked out of the congregation,鈥� as Scorah describes in her memoir Leaving the Witness: Exiting a Religion and Finding a Life.
But Scorah grovelled her way back into the fold eventually 鈥� even having to endure being made to slip in and out of the back of the room at her own father鈥檚 funeral a short while after 鈥� and ultimately married, at age 22. Recommitted to the Witness way of life, Scorah and her husband moved abroad, serving as JW pioneers in several countries but ultimately landing in China, where she experienced the paradoxical freedom of being a missionary where proselytizing for Christianity was illegal.
And in being tasked with subversively teaching people to be Jehovah鈥檚 Witnesses, Scorah realized she didn鈥檛 actually believe in her own religion.
She cut ties with the Jehovah鈥檚 Witnesses, and they shunned her. As Scorah began to find her own identity as a writer, moving to New York City to start her post-JW life, the religion bestowed a new label upon her: apostate 鈥� someone who has renounced their religion.
It would take some time before Scorah could turn her experience into writing.
Writing the Witness
Scorah鈥檚 journey to being an author came in waves. An essay Scorah submitted to Believer in 2013 about leaving the Jehovah鈥檚 Witnesses was snapped up for publication within an hour of her hitting send. It was a dizzying prospect for someone just five years out of the religion who had let the floodgates open up on the painful break that resulted in a new reality for which 鈥渃ore-shaking鈥� would be too light an adjective.
鈥淚t was exciting and shocking to me,鈥� Scorah tells me of this moment in 2013. 鈥淏ut it was also scary, because anyone who is a Jehovah鈥檚 Witness and leaves is one thing, but to actually come out openly and write about it, you鈥檙e considered an enemy of God. We鈥檝e been taught in the religion since childhood that anyone who leaves, especially for not believing, for losing their faith, is an agent of Satan.鈥�
It鈥檚 hard to believe that the woman seated next to me at a bustling downtown 麻豆传媒映画cafe could be鈥� satantic. Scorah is relatively soft-spoken for a stereotypical New Yorker (though she admits when she comes back to 麻豆传媒映画she feels maybe she鈥檚 become that brasher 鈥淎merican鈥�), but she talks fast, as though all her stories, all the learnings of her de-programmed life, can鈥檛 help but gush out like a fountain or geyser.
Similarly, when the book deal came, Scorah says the writing came pouring out of her. The result is a powerful and complex narrative that offers a rare glimpse inside the world of a hard-line religion. That processing time, between leaving her marriage, leaving China and navigating the intense loneliness that followed, led Scorah to writing, tapping into something she sees as being within her all along 鈥� just never nurtured. After all, if the armageddon is coming, why bother nurturing a talent?
That time, too, was crucial in giving Scorah the distance she needed to see her experience clearly on the other side of it.
鈥淲hen you wake up and realize that all that effort, the mental energy it takes to stay in a religion like that, was for nothing, you do feel angry,鈥� says Scorah. The anger evolves into perspective. For Scorah, that perspective evolved into her memoir, which was released in June.
Scorah鈥檚 been doing press in the U.S. and Canada for Leaving the Witness, though our sit-down was coming after a welcome pause to spend time in 麻豆传媒映画with what family she has left 鈥� meaning what family members non-Witnesses who are willing to welcome Scorah in their lives.
I pledge allegiance
Coming home 鈥� if 麻豆传媒映画is even home for Scorah, considering her backstory 鈥� is complicated. I鈥檝e caught her just a few days ahead of her U.S. citizenship interview 鈥� a process I鈥檝e actually been through myself and know the head-trip the process can be 鈥� and I wonder if she even thinks of herself as Canadian.
鈥淚 don鈥檛 know what I am anymore,鈥� says Scorah, laughing, noting it鈥檚 been about 17 years since she actually lived in Canada.
鈥淚 changed a lot by living in Asia. I changed a lot by living in New York. Where I became my true self [鈥 is not here. When I come here, I don鈥檛 feel very Canadian 鈥� whatever that means.鈥�
Nationality is just one of the identities by which any of us can align ourselves, and for Scorah, one of many she has been assigned. She was a Jehovah鈥檚 Witness, that pesky person on your doorstep eager to tell you that the world was ending but it was actually good news. She was a foreigner abroad, sticking out in obvious and secret ways from nearly everyone else in China. She was the voice behind Dear Amber, a popular podcast from the mediums nascent days, and its popular and unlikely star. She is, to some, an apostate.
Most recently, however, before Leaving the Witness hit the shelves, she became .鈥�
Karl
In 2015, Scorah and partner Lee Towndrow lost their son, Karl, on the boy鈥檚 first day at a New York daycare. He was 117 days old. The medical examiner could not provide a conclusive cause of death, and Scorah had to relearn her life yet again.
In her previous life as a Jehovah鈥檚 Witness, she would have been comforted by knowing she and Karl would be resurrected post-armageddon, just as she was indoctrinated to believe would happen after she lost her father in her teen years.
But that way of thinking is wholly unavailable now to Scorah, who explains that her break with the religion was so rigid that she didn鈥檛 even miss being able to feel that way, that absurd hope.
鈥淭here is something about going through trauma that when you come out on the other side, you piece things together. You learn something. You see things in different ways,鈥� says Scorah. 鈥淚鈥檇 rather feel pain and grief 鈥� which is unbearable at times 鈥� than delude myself.鈥�
鈥楢ll I do is question now鈥�
What Scorah does feel now, or advocate for now, is questioning. She may be reluctant to see herself as a teacher 鈥� in part because she is making up for the 33 years as a Witness she considers 鈥渨asted鈥� in her education by continually educating herself, from pop culture to the seven-year journey she鈥檚 near completing to earn the college degree that was basically forbidden to her as a Witness 鈥� but in a way she is a teacher of questioning as she speaks out more about her past.
鈥淗ow can we every really know anything?鈥� posits Scorah. 鈥淎ll I do is question now.鈥�
Still, on this day, I鈥檓 the one asking questions 鈥� which Scorah admits can be hard for her at times, since she is blessed and cursed with the writer鈥檚 intrinsic desire to be the one asking the questions.
There鈥檚 a lot to ask about, and rarely a simple answer. Leaving the Witness covers a lot of territory, trauma, loss, and rebuilding. We talk about the kind of cultural moment cults are having right now, from Going Clear, to NXIVM and Keith Raniere, or Wild Wild Country, and, headier still, if Scorah thinks Jehovah鈥檚 Witnesses is a cult.
鈥淚t鈥檚 such a charged word,鈥� she says. 鈥淭o me, when anything goes to the extreme, that鈥檚 when it starts to cause problems.鈥�
Scorah notes that she isn鈥檛 by any means anti-religion, but she does object to any group whose practices can result in harm. Take the well-documented stance of the JW against blood transfusions 鈥� that has cost countless people鈥檚 lives.
鈥淚f you are mandating that people die for your belief unnecessarily, I think that鈥檚 a problem.鈥�
Never mind that Jehovah鈥檚 Witnesses meets a respected psychologist鈥檚 list of eight criteria for being a cult, one tenant of the organization is a deal-breaker for Scorah: When a religion mandates that when you exit the congregation, that you also have to leave behind your family and other loved ones who remain in it.
鈥淲hen the price of leaving is anyone shunning you, that seems wrong to me.鈥�
Homecoming?
This brings us back to Vancouver, because for the past decade, Scorah has made trips here as someone not welcome in her old community, and, more pointedly, in her own family.
Scorah says the challenges of visiting 麻豆传媒映画have lessened progressively as time has passed.
鈥淚鈥檝e sort of reclaimed it my own,鈥� Scorah explains, adding that 麻豆传媒映画and its natural beauty and general mildness is like the opposite of New York.
Plus, Scorah has come into a stronger sense of self now. She has negotiated her two-fold fame and identity shift as mourning mother and parental leave advocate; she continues to be a mother (Scorah and Towndrow are also the parents of a preschool-age daughter, born a year after Karl鈥檚 death); and now she is actually quite comfortable in what she says feels like the abstract of being a published author touting a high-profile book.
Scorah says she鈥檚 found freedom, but also that she doesn鈥檛 feel fundamentally all that different than who she has, at heart, always been.
鈥淚鈥檝e changed a lot, but I don鈥檛 feel I鈥檝e changed that much. Deep inside, I feel, we are who we are.鈥�
She may not ever fit in, whether the context is America, Canada, Vancouver, motherhood, and most assuredly her old religion, but as a natural observer 鈥� perhaps as a natural writer, I suggest 鈥� Scorah enjoys that 鈥渟light off-kilter feeling鈥� that comes from being an outsider.
鈥淚 don鈥檛 care anymore what people from my past think,鈥� she affirms.
Leaving the Witness: Exiting a Religion and Finding a Life (Viking/Penguin Random House) is available at booksellers everywhere.
