The best part of the holidays is the magical way we just fall into the groove with our families and our oldest friends. Even if we haven't seen some of them for much of the year, we can pick up just where we left off. Though we want to know what's new and important in their lives, we don't have to get to know each other all over again.
The worst part of the holidays is the predictable manner in which we slide back into a rut with those we've known the longest. Though we've managed to avoid one another through intent or neglect, we find ourselves at the annual Christmas gathering and pick up old arguments just where we left off last year. Though we know we've changed over the years, they haven't or so it seems.
When we as adult children gather together with our parents, grandparents, siblings and our extended families, we can fall into old familiar patterns of behaviour. This is great if all that we express is unconditional love.
The reality is that many families fall into predictable maladaptive ways of relating year after year, decade after decade. Even past midlife, the youngest sons and daughters remain the babies of their families. Some aging parents can have trouble giving up the role of judging or directing their grownup children, who may struggle still to make mom or dad proud of them.
The family tradition may be the replaying of old patterns of behaviour and revisiting unresolved issues. We play favourites and least favourites. Its like a game of Scrabble (or Squabble) with the letters left in the same place each year, or a puzzle with missing pieces we struggle to complete. In this game, we all lose.
And though each of us sees ourselves as growing and evolving, other family members may not notice the difference; they continue to see us and treat us as kids.
The best Christmas gift we can give one another is unconditional lovea love that is not dependent on being young, beautiful, smart, accomplished or perfect. And the most refreshing way to give it is to see each of our loved ones with open hearts, open minds and open eyes.
Let go of the baggage of the past and the preconceptions that prevent you from seeing everyone in your family as a whole person, ever growing and innately beautiful. Let's look for and bring out the best in one another.
May our relationshipsand our love for one another continue to evolve and grow as we grow.
When we open our eyes and see past the filters of our shared past, we perceive more of the whole person. When we deliberately let go of our preconceptions of someone we've known for years, we may recognize that they have been shaped by a variety of experiences over the years and grown beyond the younger version we remember from the past.
And if this improves the way we treat one another, our most important relationships will continue to evolve.
We feel most alone when we are not understood. We feel most at home when we are seen, accepted and loved just as we are.
This is what we all need. This is all we need.
Dr. Davidicus Wong is a physician and writer. His column appears regularly in this paper. You can find his latest posts at facebook.com/davidicus.wong and davidicuswong.wordpress.com and listen to his Positive Potential Medicine podcasts at wgrnradio.com.
