I still remember the era of dial-up Internet, hand written mail and phone calls using landlines. We have come far from those times and have evolved into using technology as a primary source of communication. Bosses no longer tell their assistants what they need them to do in person, they simply text or email even if that person is just on the other side of the door. We dont call our partners to say goodnight anymore, we simply text. Smartphones and social networks such as Facebook allow easy access into the lives of those around us. We dont have to inquire about whats going on because we can look at their status and photos of them.
Although technology has advantages because it keeps us connected to family and friends that are far away and allows us the convenience to get a hold of anyone at anytime, the disadvantages may be more detrimental than we think.
On the recent reality television show The Bachelorette, Lindzi Cox revealed that she was recently dumped on a text from her ex-boyfriend that said, Hey babe, welcome to dumpsville. Population YOU. Lindzi eventually moved on and began to look for love again but was scarred by the callousness of how her ex chose to end the relationship.
I confess that I fell victim to technological dumping as well. I was recently in a relationship where an instant connection rocketed our relationship from dating to serious in a just a matter of weeks. He was a family friend for the past 10 years and seemed to want the same things in a relationship as I did. Even though we were separated by a four-hour drive, our weekend consisted of exciting trips to each others hometowns. The time in between was filled with long phone calls to each other daily.
Technology was our best ally and it seemed to work. But as time wore on our ally soon became my worst enemy. Our first fight a month into our relationship marked the end. He was quick to assert that relationships should be effortless and easy and that road bumps should only occur further along into the relationship. The phone calls and visits became less frequent and even technology couldnt save us. I visited my family during the holidays. He my cousin are best friends, and this was the perfect opportunity for him to end things in person or so I thought. One week after I got there, I received a text message from him saying he wanted to end our relationship. He lived just 15 minutes away from where I was staying. He even texted me messages that he was spending time with another girl. A month after we ended the relationship, I found out through Facebook she became his girlfriend!
So what is it about technology that is so detrimental to relationships? For one, texting or emailing allows us to hide behind the effects of an uncomfortable situation whether it is rejection or guilt. As awful as it is to break someones heart, having the uncomfortable in person conversation allows us to be empathetic and end the relationship in a way that is respectful of your journey together. By practicing empathy we are better able to support those we love. This contributes to the longevity of relationships.
The amount of time spent on Facebook has been linked to decreases in overall life and relationship satisfaction. The fact is we choose what we want others to see and that does not always mean its good for us. It can create an unrealistic representation of life itself when there are constant flashes of happy moments from varied individuals all the time. In cases like mine, Facebook can hold your emotions hostage and increases your level of anxiety to information that is right around the corner when you log on.
At the end of the day, we may be tempted to take the easy way out and technology certainly helps us with that. But the limits of technology should not replace the human aspect in reflecting the sensitivity of breaking an emotional bond.
Both Lindzi and I have both moved on from our experience and even though we have healed, the effects of severing ties through technology left scars. You may not be able to control the outcome but you can control the process and attempt at a resolution that allows the best possible outcome for both parties.
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Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
