Love. In search of it we have wept, sacrificed and gambled with chance. Every day, people put their cards on the table hoping for a win at true love. Books have been written on the rules of dating and ways to find love. People want the Coles Notes on winning big while taking the ambiguity out of the process. You often see articles titled "the seven steps to marital bliss" or "10 things that will score you the perfect man." Jaime Otis from the TV reality series The Bachelor was so determined to find love that she was convinced taking charge and control would ultimately win the bachelor's heart. Specifically, her tactic included instructing him on how to kiss. Viewers could not avoid the feeling of awkwardness for the couple as a forced kind of chemistry was building between them.
Intimacy and the magic of the first kiss aren't created through a set of instructions and rules. Perhaps we have become so obsessed with control and the idea that we can have anything we want that we have forgotten how to let go of the wheel. Some of the best things in life are when you least expect it the most. Meeting the right person can take time and effort that sometimes challenges our faith if it even really exists. The fact is, you cannot will the right person to appear as you wish but you can certainly keep an open stance allowing for greater possibilities of love to enter your life. Attune to the moment and enjoy the present because this is the only time you can change anything.
It's no wonder why we seek out love as one of life's great successes. In the media, love conquers obstacles in life while those who are alone are often portrayed as bitter and lonely. It then appears that we have more to lose if we do not find love. There are many reasons why love motivates us. For the believer, it is a chance to be swept off your feet to happiness and safety. For the goal oriented, time is of the essence and love is part of a life goal in defining personal success. An example of the latter is Kim Kardashian and her now ex- husband Chris Humphries making headlines after their marriage ended just six weeks after tying the knot. Kim reported that she was caught up in the idea of marriage and as she approached 30 years old, her goal of attaining marriage and children seemed increasingly imminent.
Sometimes our vision of the future may blind us from attending to whether our partner is truly compatible with us. Love is half the equation but because we often attend to what we want to see to affirm our perception, it is important to take a close look at what you are diving into and with whom. You want to be sure that you are not just committed to the vision but to the person. By questioning why it is so important for you to find love it may give you clues to whether we're seeking love with the person or a vision of where you think you should be.
As a researcher and therapist for couples and families, I have dedicated myself to figuring out this thing we call love and how to keep it. As an optimist, my work has focused on what draws people to each other and more importantly what keeps couples together. I commend everyone who has truly put his or her heart out in search of true love. We all seek acceptance, safety and comfort because it feels great when it works but it can shake our self-esteem and self worth when it does not. Just remember that even in fairytales the princes and princesses had to overcome adversity before they lived happily ever after.
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Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
