麻豆传媒映画

Sometimes the keys to our biggest questions lie in the smallest of experiences. So let鈥檚 begin by considering something quite personal...

Think of someone you love now, or once did. And ask yourself two questions: When times were rocky and conflict set in, did I ever try to 鈥榗hange鈥� that other person? What happened then?

When this happened in my first marriage, I absolutely did. Whenever my wife got upset about something, my 鈥榥atural鈥� reaction was to defend myself, explain what happened and convince her of my perspective. Similarly, she would do the same. And we鈥檇 both end up trying to change the other鈥檚 thinking and behaviour.

As our conflicts escalated, so did the volume and intensity of our arguments. We tried even harder to prove why the other was wrong and we were right. Then eventually one of us would say whatever we could 鈥� 鈥榙rop the bomb,鈥� as I call it 鈥� to win the fight. Unfortunately, that didn鈥檛 solve the problem; it only increased the acrimony. And our conflicts continued to grow.

As an early environmentalist, I often used the same approach with government and business people, sometimes other environmentalists as well. When someone disagreed with my approach, I鈥檇 defend myself and try to prove my position. If I disagreed with theirs, I鈥檇 point out the faults in their approach, while putting forth compelling reasons why mine was better. This led to some heated arguments, and lots of conflict. Even when the other person wasn鈥檛 around, I鈥檇 still find myself 鈥榓ttacking鈥� them in my mind, judging them for what they were doing. And all the while I鈥檇 be left thinking: Why don鈥檛 they get it... and change?

If all this sounds familiar, there are good reasons. We鈥檝e watched it time and again in political debates and election campaigns. (Think of the Trump-Clinton debates in the last U.S. election.) We see it daily in our news and editorial programs, talk shows, TV dramas and movies. And most of us have experienced it in our own lives.

It took me close to eight years, in my work and my marriage, to find another way to approach change. What I鈥檇 missed before that was the willingness to listen; to truly hear the other person, understand where they were coming from, and help them feel safe and accepted 鈥� rather than get them to think or do what I wanted. All the while, I thought my intention had been to heal our relationship, and the planet. Yet underneath, what I was doing was trying to be right and change other people.

Why is that important?

In my past several , I offered the idea that the human mind has two aspects: a loving side and a fearful side. A self that empowers, inspires and has compassion for others; and another that sees itself as lacking, and wants to control others to get what it needs. What I鈥檝e learned is that the mindset we choose guides our thinking and behaviour.

One of the truisms of life is that people don鈥檛 want to be changed. They (we) want to be heard, understood and accepted for who they are. They want to be treated with respect, encouraged to speak their truths, and find power within themselves.

When we attempt to change people, we are doing the opposite. That鈥檚 why we must use various means of pressure to accomplish it, such as fear, manipulation, force, guilt or shame. But while these 鈥榤otivators鈥� may get people to change in the short term, they result in more conflict and resistance over the longer term.

In spite of our best intentions 鈥� to create a better relationship, workplace or world 鈥� trying to change others has three negative consequences we have failed to recognize:

1) These actions come from the 鈥�fearful or separate mind鈥� within us. When we use this mindset, we start looking for problems and mistakes in others. We seek to justify why we are right and they are wrong. Focusing mostly our own interests, we fail to hear their needs or create bridges of understanding. Paradoxically, this thinking also leads us to feel more separate and unsafe, because these feelings grow within us as we try to defend, protect and prove ourselves.

2) Our thinking & behaviour triggers the same mindset in others. When we judge, criticize or push people, they feel less safe and react defensively. Responding in kind, they then judge, attack or blame us (or others) for whatever problem is at hand. This closes down their ability to listen and hear what we are saying, or to accept responsibility for their part in the problem. In other words, they become less open or willing to change 鈥� the exact opposite of what we really want!

(To see this process in action, try using pressure or guilt on your 鈥渟ignificant other鈥� or child tonight, and watch the results you get. Or imagine that someone is pushing you to change, by criticizing your behaviour or continually focusing on what鈥檚 wrong with you. Are you likely to be more... or less... willing to change?)

3) Each time we engage our fearful/separate mindset, it grows this consciousness among us. And this is what we are seeing in our world today: increasing fear, alienation, antipathy towards others; more focus on personal security, safety and self-protection. All of these come from the same mindset. The more people feel unsafe, defensive and powerless over their lives, the more they (we) will react in these ways. And so the cycle continues, and grows...

Perhaps this is why our problems have been growing faster than our solutions all these years; because that is the consciousness we鈥檝e used most often to create change.

Side note:This mindset also triggers the 鈥渇ight-or-flight鈥� state within, so that our minds and bodies react as though we are under attack. Also known as the stress response, this causes our blood pressure to rise, and negatively impacts our breathing, digestion, sleep, anxiety levels, mental function and much more. (So if you鈥檙e experiencing any of these, it鈥檚 not just your imagination...)

When I began to see that it wasn鈥檛 just my behaviour that affected others, but the thinking behind my actions 鈥� it changed everything for me. I realized that I couldn鈥檛 just 鈥榓ct nice,鈥� then judge and criticize people behind their backs. I also wasn鈥檛 going to create real, lasting change by criticizing and pushing others; in fact, this was causing me more conflict inside. The only way I found that worked was to consistently shift my own mindset 鈥� from 鈥榝ear to love鈥�, separateness to connection 鈥� and have this guide my words, strategies and actions.

Not an accusation鈥�

Please know that this is not meant as an 鈥榓ttack鈥� on you, or anyone else who uses arguments or pressure to get others to change. I鈥檝e done it a thousand times. We ALL do it at one time or another. And that is perfectly understandable, because it鈥檚 the culture in which we鈥檝e been raised.

We鈥檝e seen it used it in places of worship, where leaders speak of love but control their flocks through guilt or fear. In the military, where subordinates are ordered how to act and severely reprimanded if they don鈥檛. In governments, where members must vote the party line, or civil servants are controlled in what they can say. It鈥檚 used frequently in business, where 鈥榟igher鈥� staff bully 鈥榣ower鈥� ones; or workers must do what they鈥檙e told, even if it goes against their values or best interests. And in families, where parents tell children to 鈥渄o what you鈥檙e told, or else!鈥� Command, control, authority, and fear of punishment are some of the fundamental tenets of our society.

Not surprisingly, this is also how we tend to treat ourselves. When we make mistakes, don鈥檛 meet goals or perform well, who is our harshest critic? Or when we compare ourselves to others and fall short 鈥� because we don鈥檛 make enough money or 鈥渁ren鈥檛 good enough鈥� 鈥� how do we treat ourselves? Usually, with judgment, condemnation and punishment. The self-abuse many of us inflict on ourselves can be enormous. And while this may seem like motivation to get us to do better, it often has just the opposite effect.

How might we 鈥榗reate change鈥� differently?

Here are two possibilities:

1) Start to consider the thinking behind our actions. That is, look at the impacts of our words, behaviour, policies and strategies on other peoples鈥� thoughts, feelings and attitudes.

Is what we are saying and doing raising people, or lowering them? Opening them up or shutting them down? Helping them to listen to their own inner wisdom, or trying to get them to agree with us? Is there more harmony or conflict among us, afterwards? These are some of the signs that we are using either our 鈥榝earful mind鈥� or our 鈥榣oving mind鈥� to guide our actions.

2) Ask ourselves these questions: How would I want to be treated? What could someone else do to help me become more willing to change? In fact, what could they do to engage and inspire my heart, mind and soul 鈥� so I would actually want to grow and change?

If we can discover what works for us, perhaps it will give us insights into what might work for other people.

(More on that in my next article.)

Eric Hellman is a communications and change coach. His newest work is called 鈥渃onscious change.鈥� For more information, see or contact him at [email protected].

You can read more articles on our interfaith blog, The Spiritual View,