Dear shiny, heathen Hollywood god. Lots of people will be praying to you this weekend, Im sure. But I have a few requests for Sunday nights big Oscar telecast.
Deliver us from boring acceptance speeches that read like a grocery list of agents, producers, managers and best boys. The name Harvey Weinstein should pass no nominees lips, and to be certain, o gilded one, perhaps you could wire a remote shock system to the statue itself, or a trap door directly under the microphone?
Maybe you could give us all foreign winners: they know how to keep speeches concise, or at least keep things interesting by climbing on top of the seats on the way to the stage.
In your goldness, please let me stay awake for the duration. No Randy Newman-nominated songs are a good start, but when the Republican debates are more lively than the awards show, theres a problem. Let at least one person momentarily lose control of their bodily functions, or protest the absence of B.C. wine in California liquor stores. Succinctly, of course.
Please let there be a jaw-dropping underdog winner to liven things up. Perhaps Damien Bichir in the Best Actor category, if only so that I can collect from Ladbrokes bookmakers, who are paying out 100/1.
And thank you, o golden Ken-doll, for nominee Melissa McCarthy, and may there be more chubby chic on the runway in years to come. Im tired of Best Actress nominees who look like coat racks with bolts of silk thrown over them.
Here are some additional thoughts, dear Oscar:
Best Picture
Why was there no love for the capper to the Harry Potter franchise, considered by many to be its best? In its stead is the mediocre Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, a sentimental fave because it deals with the after-effects of 9/11 and stars Academy darling Tom Hanks. Drive, best movie of the year in my book, was shut out entirely. While Hugo leads the pack with 11 nominations, the Academy will say oui to The Artist, bien sur.
Best Actor
Its easy to see why Michael Fassbender was overlooked for his gritty performance in Shame: phallocentric Hollywood likely didnt think he needed an Oscar to pick up women when hes clearly so anatomically gifted. Ryan Goslingwho says more with a look than pages of dialogue can communicatewas likewise overlooked for both Drive and The Ides of March, as was Leonardo DiCaprio for J. Edgar. Im ABC when it comes to this category, as in Anyone But Clooney. Jean Dujardin should take this one.
Best Actress
Its a horse race between the horsey-looking Margaret Thatcher (Meryl Streep) and Viola Davis for The Help, with Michelle Williams (My Week With Marilyn), Rooney Mara (The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo) and Glenn Close (Albert Nobbs) trailing miles behind. How can you nominate Melissa McCarthy for Bridesmaids but not one-woman funny machine Kristen Wiig? (OK, so she is up for Best Original Screenplay.) Tilda Swinton likewise was snubbed for We Need To Talk About Kevin. Davis should win it, though I wouldve swapped her for Elizabeth Olsens performance in Martha Marcy May Marlene in a second.
Best Supporting Actor
The only thing to say in this category, other than congratulations Mr. Plummer, is: come on, no Albert Brooks? His Mafioso turn in Drive was a career highlight. At this point, Kenneth Branagh (My Week With Marilyn), Max von Sydow (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close), Nick Nolte (Warrior) and Jonah Hill (Moneyball) are just seat-fillers, since Christopher Plummer is a shoo-in.
Best Supporting Actress
Sandra Bullock was the best thing about Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, but was overlooked in favour of Octavia Spencer (The Help), Berenice Bejo (The Artist), Janet McTeer (Albert Nobbs), Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids) and Jessica Chastain. Chastain couldve gotten the nod for a number of performances in 2011, but stands no chance being nominated in the same film as crowd-favourite Spencer. Also missing: Carey Mulligan, fabulous in both Shame and Drive.
And finally, poor Steven Spielberg. That he was shut out in the Best Director category was a surprise (since his War Horse is up for Best Picture) but The Adventures of Tintin should certainly have been up in the Best Animated film category, which features two sequels/spinoffs (Kung Fu Panda 2, Puss In Boots), two films that few people on this continent saw (Chico and Rita, A Cat In Paris) and Gore Verbinskis indulgent Rango, which is likely to come home with the prize.
The 84th Academy Awards airs at 5:30 p.m. Sunday on CTV.
