Aloneness has a cousin. Its name is loneliness.
Longtime West 麻豆传媒映画resident David Kirkpatrick makes sure he always knows the difference between the two, having spent several years alone 鈥� and at times, lonely 鈥� even though he was still married.
He鈥檚 well-versed at navigating such emotionally fraught waters himself, but isn鈥檛 confident others married or in a relationship with someone living with Alzheimer鈥檚 disease or another form of dementia would be. That鈥檚 what prompted him to put out his new book, Neither Married Nor Single.
鈥淚 think in an Alzheimer鈥檚 or dementia marriage we鈥檙e in a no man鈥檚 land,鈥� Kirkpatrick tells the North Shore News. 鈥�(It鈥檚 like) we鈥檙e not married, and we鈥檙e not single. We鈥檙e having conflicts that married people face but they don鈥檛 get resolved, they deepen and require patience and I think a certain amount of courage.鈥�
He says that for spouses of dementia or Alzheimer鈥檚 patients, it can feel like the relationship is in a perpetual 鈥渋n-between鈥� stage, stuck in a kind of relationship purgatory, or no man鈥檚 land.
鈥淲ith an Alzheimer鈥檚 marriage we鈥檙e in a downward path facing conflict, anguish, turmoil, and issues like how do we think about somebody who鈥檚 still there, and do we? Do we take on a new partner or not?鈥�
Kirkpatrick鈥檚 wife, Clair, was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer鈥檚 in 2007. The signs had been there for years prior and had reached a headway with brief lapses in memory, disorganization, and general agitation.
One of the hardest moments in their marriage following that initial diagnosis came years later, when Clair, 鈥渘o longer comfortable within her own home or within her deteriorating sense of self,鈥� Kirkpatrick writes, called the police on her husband because she thought he was an intruder in their own home.
Clair was admitted to a long-term care facility on the North Shore shortly thereafter, in 2010. That鈥檚 when Kirkpatrick decided he鈥檇 turn the comforting journal entries he鈥檇 been writing about Clair and his journey with her Alzheimer鈥檚 into a book.
鈥淚t helped ease the anguish and grief of losing her because she wasn鈥檛 at home anymore, but I was still visiting her every day, or every other day,鈥� he says. 鈥淭he book helped me log that passage emotionally and geographically.鈥�
And for the would-be reader, he says the purpose is simple: It鈥檚 a how-to book for the person in an Alzheimer鈥檚 or other dementia marriage.
Kirkpatrick, who practised psychology and psychiatry in both Canada and the U.S. for more than 40 years, says it can be an 鈥渆motionally exhausting experience鈥� being in a relationship with someone living with Alzheimer鈥檚, despite how much you might love them.
His best advice, like all good advice, is simple. You have to take it 鈥渙ne day at a time,鈥� he says.
鈥淵ou don鈥檛 do it by yourself, you do it with friends, you do it with fellow caregivers, you do it with support groups, you do it in counselling, if that鈥檚 your thing,鈥� he says, adding that it鈥檚 important to remember that you鈥檙e not alone, even if it might feel like it.
In the midst of an aging population, there is more and more literature on the subject of dementia all the time. In Neither Married Nor Single Kirkpatrick attempts to add to that discourse with an intimate look at two people reckoning with a marriage in flux due to illness, and through addressing questions that, he notes, once seemed off-limits.
鈥淭he non-fictional accounts are usually caregivers usually looking after mom or dad, or grandparents. ... But none about the 鈥楳e and You鈥� 鈥� the actual marriage that we鈥檙e facing, that we are losing, or feel like we鈥檙e losing,鈥� he says.鈥�
His book also addresses the specter of loneliness that one might feel when their partner with dementia lives in care.
Kirkpatrick explains how after Clair had been in care for several years he looked to enter another relationship, much to the chagrin of some people in his life and the positive encouragement from others.
鈥淲e cope with friends and family,鈥� he says. 鈥淲e cope with learning to have the courage to ask the questions: 鈥業s it time to put my partner into a care home? Is it time I started talking to that woman in the coffee shop that I see every day that鈥檚 kind of sweet? Or is that appropriate?鈥�
While Kirkpatrick would answer in the affirmative, he argues what鈥檚 more important is for the partner in such a situation to gather the courage to ask tough questions and express the experience they鈥檙e going through.
鈥淭he caregiver groups I was in tiptoed around these issues and did not really give the caregivers permission to even ask the question,鈥� he explains.
鈥淵ou鈥檙e a human being, you have conflicts. ... The caregiver needs the support not just to get the answers but even more to ask the questions.鈥�
After 20 years of marriage, Clair passed away last year. Kirkpatrick reflects fondly on his time with his wife, but notes that it鈥檚 OK to be alone. It鈥檚 loneliness that needs a remedy.
He hopes his book can be that remedy for those spouses, partners, or individuals in a similar situation. As he notes towards the end of his book: 鈥淔inally, remember that there is life for you after your partner鈥檚 struggle with Alzheimer鈥檚.鈥�
