There鈥檚 often no words left to describe the pain and grief a parent experiences after losing a child, but luckily Becky Livingston has found a few.
Livingston鈥檚 eldest daughter, Rachel, was 15 years old when she was diagnosed with a brain tumour back in 2002.
Not to be deterred by her serious diagnosis, Rachel attempted what many young people spurred on by the conclusion of high school and in possession of an adventurous spirit do when they reach 18 years of age: she flew the coop.
Rachel had always wanted to travel, and took off as a solo backpacker to New Zealand鈥檚 green pastures as soon as she could, following the blessing of her doctors and the support of her nervous but always caring parents.
For the next few years, Rachel would come home, work for a bit, and then embark on another adventure in a bid to see just what the wide world had to offer 鈥� while she still could.
In addition to New Zealand, Rachel had ample adventures in Australia, Europe, the U.S., Costa Rica and Mexico, all before she was 23.
鈥淵ou don鈥檛 know when you鈥檝e got a brain tumour how long you鈥檝e got to live,鈥� explains Livingston, who was a longtime teacher in West 麻豆传媒映画and now resides in Nelson, B.C. 鈥淚 think it was probably about a year after she died that I really hit the very worst of my grief and that鈥檚 when I started to realize I have got to change everything.鈥�
Rachel died in 2010, just three weeks shy of the commencement of the 麻豆传媒映画Winter Olympics, her mom explains.
Now Livingston has published her first book, a memoir called The Suitcase and the Jar: Travels with a Daughter's Ashes, which explores what came next.
Livingston found herself in a bad state following her daughter鈥檚 passing. An unimaginable fate, her fianc茅 had actually passed away under similar circumstances some years prior.
鈥淭here are no words,鈥� Livingston says when asked how she coped following her daughter鈥檚 passing.
As she dealt with her grief, it was decided that helping to fufil Rachel鈥檚 dying wish, which was to keep travelling, would be good for Livingston鈥檚 well-being in addition to her daughter鈥檚 memory.
鈥淪he wanted to keep travelling,鈥� she says. 鈥淭here鈥檚 something about travel which is so powerful when it comes to resorting everything in your life. I think it helps you get perspective, you see that grief鈥檚 everywhere. Everybody鈥檚 dealing with something.鈥�
In 2011, Livingston, then 53, dropped everything. She handed in her notice at work and set off overseas with no agenda or timeline in tow.
For the next 26 months, Livingston, untethered and travelling solo, explored Italy, Spain, Switzerland, Australia, India, England, Ireland and much of North America.
In Livingston鈥檚 suitcase, her daughter travelled alongside her.
As Livingston journeyed from corner to corner of the globe she would leave Rachel鈥檚 ashes wherever she went.
鈥淚 had no idea I was going to be gone that long,鈥� she says.
鈥淚 had every intention of coming home and settling down, but I wasn鈥檛 ready. I was still leaving Rachel鈥檚 ashes, so I just kept going, going, going.鈥�
As Livingston travelled for the next 798 days, she realized that the global scattering of her daughter鈥檚 ashes became her own private ritual, a way to restore order following grief鈥檚 disordering effect.
Places that she particularly liked 鈥� and she thought Rachel might like, such as the California coast 鈥� she left more of her ashes there. Places she enjoyed less only received a sprinkling, but either way, Livingston says, he daughter gets to continue her explorations.
鈥淕rief is very much like travel in the sense that you鈥檙e very dislocated, you don鈥檛 really belong anywhere, and the world falls away. In a way, the travelling was very much a mirror to my grief,鈥� she says. 鈥淚鈥檓 not sure I understood that until I started to write.鈥�
When Livingston finally returned to Canada she knew, despite her trip鈥檚 redemptive qualities, she wasn鈥檛 ready to return to work.
But she did know she wanted to write.
She had an idea for one book, but the wise words of a friend who stated that 鈥渙nly you can write this book鈥� steered her in the direction of memoir.
First, she had to learn. 鈥淚 would say basically I sat for three years and did nothing but write.鈥�
She took her completed work to the 麻豆传媒映画Manuscript Intensive and worked out the kinks with her mentor, renowned author and educator Betsy Warland, before the book was finally published in September through Caitlin Press, five years after first setting off in her journey to transform grief into peace.
鈥淚 don鈥檛 think I ever really thought about who鈥檚 going to read this. This was very much something I needed to do. It was kind of like the journey ended of moving and it became an internal journey.鈥�
Through her travels and the process of writing her book, Livingston says she learned that it鈥檚 possible to find joy again in a world of grief. It鈥檚 a message she hopes others who read the book can adopt.
Asked how Rachel would likely respond to her mom鈥檚 adventures and endeavours, she says she would say: 鈥溾�榃ay to go, mom. You鈥檙e rockin鈥� it!鈥欌��
Livingston is thrilled that in some tiny way, her daughter can do what she always dreamed of 鈥� which always was to keep going, keep exploring.
鈥�(Rachel鈥檚) in the sea, and rivers, and the sky, and the sand, and the dirt. She鈥檚 everywhere. She鈥檚 still travelling.鈥�
